Just let me put it in…

Gonorrhoea is up 45% in North of Ireland from 2021-2022

Why are STIs increasing while sexual health is not improving? ***

I hear a high volume of stories from women who have had this experience in casual sex when asking for a condom to be used.

“Just let me put it in without”

“Just the tip”

“Just for a wee second”

I also listen to women who ask some men to put a condom on and they reply,“Why?”

Bringing up STIs is such a turn off when in the throws of it. However from listening to women, they often feel they have be ones to initiate the conversation around contraception when I can’t stress enough that it is both men and women’s responsibilities. I have been chatting to lots of men too.

For the men who have said this.

I know class men in my life who have said this previously. Know that it is disrespectful, it lacks care and protection for you and the women you are having sex with. Especially when she is explicitly asking you to wear one.

For women who have experienced it.

I have said I wanted to wear a condom and then didn’t. I was so annoyed I had broke my boundaries and put my health at risk. Why did I do this? Because I am unconsciously programmed to please a man overmy health? Please remember the power dynamic ever present here and in our history. Sex wasn’t for pleasure for women until very recently. Sex was a duty of marriage and women could not refuse traditionally. Women are conditioned from a young age to want to please mens needs over theirs. This isn’t your fault, but it is continually perpetuated in our society, an old idea we can and have to evolve beyond. We are all learning to do better. I listen to women saying they want to tell their partner “put a condom on”, but feel paralysed at thoughts of asking for their needs to be met.

It’s a new thing for humans

Contraception is fairly new, we are all learning. Condoms and the contraceptive pill have only been available in Ireland from 1985. I understand you come from a lineage of men were this wasn’t a problem and didn’t have be considered. Your father probably didn’t have the luxury of the possibility of casual sex due to the act resulting in babies. Casual sex is fairly new concept. Contraception isn’t perfect and we all wish we had better ways to enjoy sex without the worry of a baby or an STI. However we have more choice than generations before us.

“But I can’t stay hard or climax”

I get the animalistic urge and wanting to have good sex. I understand it isn’t as good, you say you can’t come, you can’t stay hard. Then you need to have a conversation with the person you’re having sex with that you have a high risk sex life or you simply don’t have casual sex. However the bottom line it seems is that there is an expectation of a woman to pump herself full of hormones or have a foreign device put inside her over your discomfort of a condom. I think most of us would agree whose health is implicated more here. And don’teven start us on being more responsible for preventing pregnancy.

“She doesn’t sleep about it’s grand, I know her.”

Irrelevant. You only need to sleep with one person and catch an STI. Men and caring about health is a big problem. There is an issue with getting some men to care about their health. It’s a big problem with sunbeds and I can see the transference of lack of motivation to protect your sexual health. For reference sunbed business has boomed by 80%and male skin cancer has risen by 50% in the last 10 years.

This article makes you feel defensive

When things we have done are highlighted to us which we didn’t realise weren’t ok we can feel shame, make excuses and strongly reject what is being said. I had this experience when I didn’t realise how I spoke was racist and sexist when I was younger. Though never my intention, I had to learn to change. I feel it's important to have compassion as we evolve and learn and not to judge ourselves or each other.

I love men and I love women. I want heterosexual men and women to have great safe casual sex which is why I am sharing this due to the absolute horror stories I hear. The Gen Z’s stories have me stressed to the hilt. I will do a separate article on supporting women around this issue soon.

Loads of Love.

***(I understand lockdown effects on these figures, less testing in 2020, more risky behaviour when out of lockdowns, various other factors.)